5 Presents To Lose Your Partner - Part 2

The second installment, but the lads this time. Want to get rid of your man? Just buy them these presents and they'll be out the door leaving only flaming tire tracks in their wake.

1. Sex for dummies by Dr Ruth K Westheimer
>Really want to offend your boyfriend? Well, here you go. Ruth, the old dear, has officially written the ultimate break up book. So want to get rid of your fella and mentally ruin his sex drive for the rest of his life... easy peasy lemon squeezy.

2. Hannah Montana Pajama SetIt's certainly a fact- unless you have a very strange boyfriend- that if you brought your lover a pair of hannah montana jammies, especially in this beautiful barbie pink, he'll be questioning both your sanity and why the hell he ever found you attractive... Unless he's a Hannah Montana lover and then he's got the best of both worlds!

3. Bed Wetting Plastic Sheets
This works especially well if they suffered with it as a child, brings back horrible childhood memories. But other then that, it will humiliate your boyfriend/husband to death... unless you said it was for yourself and... crash- whats that? The door slamming shut as he runs out the door. Goodie! He might, however, find it funny if he has a dry humor (cheap pun!)

4. A ToupeA mans biggest insecurity- going bald. Lets play upon that should we? Especially this beautiful one above, alternatively you could get a stick on Hitler 'tash as follow up present.

5. Croc's
No explanation needed... LOOK AT THEM!

Read More......

5 Presents To Lose Your Partner - Part I

Who said romance is dead? It's clearly not, Valentines day shows that. Everywhere you look are red roses and chocolates in heart-shaped boxes and teddies declaring undying love. And yes, that's great. But what if you don't want all that? What if you don't even want your partner? Here's 5 fail-safe ways of getting dumped before you can say "chubby baby with a sharp pointy weapon!" Here's part I, the female addition.

1. OhMiBod Music Powered Vibrator.
With the tagline "Love your music? Its time to love it back?" its hard to take this product seriously. It makes my little ipod seem dirty! And honestly, there is probably nothing more unattractive then being brought a vibrator by your partner its basically saying "I can't pleasure you, so here help yourself!" Not that I know this from experience, of course. However, imagine if you could listen to 'The Saturdays' or rock out to 'Guns 'N Roses' at the same time, she'dwill be out the door before you can "Karen O(rgasm)"

2. Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution
Not only will this get you dumped it might also get you a black eye, so beware. Everyone knows that you never mention a girls weight, ever. This only equals crazy mirror checks and incessant "does my bum look big in this?" questions. But if you want to loose your girlfriend then buy her this book. Mean, but fail safe.

3. Body Mint Deodorant Tablets
Nothing says "I love you" like deodorant tablets. No, actually nothing says "you smell" like deodorant tablets. Yes, these little babies pride themselves on being the first all natural, all body deodorant tablet, however it doesn't mention how giving these as a gift, especially on 14th February can result in break ups and the container being thrown at your head... however, for the purposes of this list, that's a good thing!

4. Dyson DC14 All-Floors Cyclone Upright Vacuum CleanerNow, don't get me wrong, some ladies worship the god of Dyson. Honestly, they are like the Shangri-La for hoovers, it takes me about 5 seconds to hoover my room... when i can be bothered, of course. But for valentines day, perhaps not. Its basically like saying "OI, BITCH, CLEAN MY HOUSE YEAH?" and this would definitely end badly, this very thing happened to my auntie, but it was for Christmas, world war three. This would be very effective, especially if your girlfriend reads feminist literature... however, if she's a twilight reader choose another option.

5. How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis B Frumkes
Only buy if your girlfriend;
a. doesn't know how to read or has never picked up a book in her life
b. doesn't have a sense of humor.
This way they will think that you think they're stupid and that your a cannibal. These are two qualities not many woman find attractive in a man, unless you happen to be Brad Pitt and then fuck it, eat as many infants as you want!

Read More......

Testimonial: Chloe, Stirred, Not Shaken.

Our next new writer here is called Chloe, and as her resident best friend since primary school, I can tell you she's certifiably bonkers. However, she is the McCartney to my Lennon, and I'm sure you'll gorw to find her craziness endearing. Chloe plays a vital role here At the Sinema, as she's both a film buff and actually knows what's going on the world of 'popular music' (unlike me). Take it away, Clo:

The names Chloe and I count myself as being the person who knows Eileen (the brains behind this operation) best. Course, I could be completely wrong, she could be a mystery wrapped in an enigma, her whole life could be one great façade, every aspect of her complete fiction… well, you get the idea.

I’m 18 years old and hate people who say, -insert age here- years young, its pretentious and annoying, so stop it… please? Despite being officially and legally an adult now I still watch the Disney Channel and have an unhealthy obsession with Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers, but give me a gun and the first people I’ll shoot would be the entire cast of ‘High School Musical’. Other then clearly having a few pitfalls in my music taste—I have actually deleted my whole Kylie Minogue back catalogues now… ok, so my hard drive was wiped and I'm too lazy to re-download... same difference— I do think that over all I have quite good taste. Apparently the genre is called Anti-Folk, thats what Charles tells me anyway, but I’m pretty sure that makes no sense to me whatsoever. I watch too many films to be healthy, yet always forget my glasses when going to the cinema – or should I say sinema? – and I read a lot of books. Twilight makes me want to hurt people. And that’s about it really.

[She also just realised that Charles' and Eileen's bios had come coherent pattern and set up towards them whilst mine was just a shambles, but *le sigh* such is life]

Read More......

Pointless But Oh-So-Funny Site: One Post Wonder

I've found another one!
I should probably get a life and stop seeking these cheap laughs, but for the time being, may I introduce... One Post Wonder!
One Post Wonder is a blog that aims to showcase the greatest (and funniest) blogs with only one post. A part of you will laugh at the pointless subjects the one-time bloggers discuss (and how tenuous a grasp they have of correct English spelling), and the another part will lament the extinction of these blogs, and leave you wondering what if they'd just carried on blogging...?
Case in point- IHateMike.blogspot.com (above), has the potential to be one of the blogging greats. A blog based entirely on one man's hatred of a shadowy and anonymous 'Mike' figure, the only post on this most glorious of coming-of-age journals/ social critiques reads:
mike is a stupid idiot
He thinks he has friends, but he doesn't because he is mean and hates people who have friends with cooler kids than him. I personally wanna die if he tried to be cool.
See what an inspirational, slice-of-life blog this could've turned out to be? No? Me neither.


(A quick whinge, however: I notice, despite the quality (or lack thereof) of IHateMike.blogspot.com, it has six comments. Six! I realise they're all from advertisers// people promoting their own blog, but six! That's more than I've ever had, and I've written 70+ posts! If there is anyone actually reading this blog, leave me a comment- say anything, really. It'd just be nice to know there's actually someone out there...)

Read More......

Dirk Auer...

... is quite clearly a madman. He spent over 110 hours making custom-built, 16-wheel rollerskates so that he could skate around an 860-metre rollercoaster track in Stuttgart. See? Madman.
Fair play on him, though- he did break a world record with his daredevil (i.e stupid) stunt, and average at a speed of 90mph.
Of his recent shenanigans, Auer said: 'this was a very dangerous stunt because there were so many factors to consider - if the skates were to catch a stray nail then I could have fallen and I would almost certainly have died.'
Maybe I'm alone on this opinion (as rollercoasters make me puke violently- nice, I know), but this might not be a stunt I'll be attempting any time soon...

Read More......

Happiest People Ever!

Another pointless but oh-so-funny site I thought I should share with you: Happiest People Ever!
In short it's a collection of really miserable looking people, such as the gleeful woman above. Some people will inevitably find this site a little pointless, but there are those that appreciate how funny glum people look. It's a site that basically wants you to find join in other's misery- and I for one am all for it.

Read More......

5 Pointless But Oh-So-Funny Sites

You know the feeling- you're bored, you've got a computer and time to kill. But, where do you go when you've exhausted your usual comic haunts? My list of 5 Funny Sites is here to give you some fresh material. Enjoy!

F My Life
A collection of horrible, hilarious things that go wrong with other people's lives.
Whoever thought of F My Life is a genius for two reasons. Number One- it means everyone has a place to vent about horrible, hilarious shit that happens in their lives. Number Two- when someone's had a mildly shitty day, they can go on FMyLife.com and laugh about how other people's days have been much, much worse.

Examples: Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

Tiny Art Director
Artist Bill Zeman has his art critiqued by his 4 year old daughter
I love this website because the Tiny Art Director reminds me so much of me. A little demanding, prone to sulks, and she likes dinosaurs- I LOVE dinosaurs. I have a dinosaur teddy, a dinosaur that runs when you wind it up, socks wtih dinosaurs on them...
Examples: Kangaroo and Giraffe















The Brief: A giraffe and a kangaroo fighting over an apple
The Critique: Where's the dinosaur?! Draw me a dinosaur right now Daddy!
Job Status: Rejected

Cake Wrecks

A collection of horrible, hilarious things that go wrong with other people's professionally-ordered cakes.

This website is a stroke of genius. Rather than get all irate when professionals ruin your celebrations with the Cake From Hell, send it to Cake Wrecks and chuckle. It is kind of funny, afterall. My favorite section of Cake Wrecks is 'Literal LOLs', in which the proffessional ckae decorators take cake request a little too literally.

Examples: Picture the scene:

Customer: Could I order special a cake, please? Baker: Absolutely. What sort of cake are we talking about? Customer: A cake for a graduation, please. Could I have '2008' written on top, please. Oh, and I want sprinkles too, if that's ok?' Baker: Certainly.

And, the finished cake:

















Awkward Family Photos
A collection of the most awkward family photos you will ever see
Y'know when you see a family photo in someone's home so awkward, so atrocious, so obviously staged that you want to burst out laughing? Well, AFP have saved you the trouble of going into people's houses to see such gems. Hysterically funny.
Examples: What every family photo needs- a topless beardy man swinging his shirt around his head:















It comes to something when you look terrifed by your own horrendous wedding concept:















Funny Exam
A website containing funny, stupid exam answers.
Now that exam season is over, if you're feeling a little worried, you should mosey on over to Funy Exam, and realsie things could be much, much worse. However, if your exam paper appears up there any time soon, then maybe you should start panicking.
Examples:



















Read More......

Bodyspacemotionthings

No, I'm not on some war against the spacebar, 'Bodyspacemotionthings' is the name of a new exhibition by Robert Morris at the Tate Modern.
You may be thinking, what makes this exhibit special? Well, I'll tell you- you can interact! With the art! Roll, slide, climb and swing all across it! You may not find this particularly exciting, but the last time this exhibit was showcased, some 30 years ago, the public went fucking wild! So flabbergasted were they that could TOUCH the art, nevermind run across it like a hyperactive three year old, people actually caused themselves bodily harm, throwing themselves- literally- into the exhibit. Bodyspacemotionthings finally had to be shut down when some excited visitors actually started swinging bricks on chains around the place, just because they COULD.
Luckily, some very clever people at the Tate thought they might re-open it, so they could, essentially, create another health and safety nightmare. I love it!
I certainly want to go- when I went, they were exhibiting The Crack (or whatever it was called- a picture of said crack is on the left) in the Main Hall (where Bodyspacemotionthings currently is)- I know it represents division and prejudice in society, but you can't slide down it, so Bodyspacemotionthings is vastly superior.

To further demonstrate the self-destructive GENIUS that is Bodyspacemotionthings, here is a video:
Read More......