Zooey Deschanel

Whilst at a hipster gathering the other week I was able to witness something that every altboy dreams of seeing and something every altgirl dreams to be: Zooey Deschanel. There she was, "in the flesh", only a sea of phony guys pretending to like She & Him separating me from her. She was definitely 'the one'.

Seeing her IRL confirmed it for me. With her lil fringe flopping around as she jumped up and down like an over excited child, I Knew she was 4 me. So what did I do? I went to get myself a piece of that Zooey cake. And I wouldn't settle for the leftovers, either. Nope, this was my one chance to get "the real deal." What I was going to do was, as soon as She & Him finished playing, go round to the back where all the bands "chilled" 2gether, and pretend to be one of her roadies. I would then get inside the She & Him tourbus where I would put a pillow under my t-shirt and wear some really long ass fake sideburns. I would then take my trousers off and lie sprawled across Zooey's bed, pretending to be her beloved Ben Gibbard. By the time she realised (ten seconds tops?), it would already be too late. I will have had my way. Jus' better hope M. Ward doesn't walk in. Fuckin' M. Ward.

Unfortunately just as I was about to put this plan into motion I realised this way obscure visual arts band called The Residents were about to start on another stage. Seeing these would boost my indie cred +30 indie points. Whilst bangin' Zooey would have boosted it +1000000 indie points, the plan probably wouldn't have worked anyway. And Ben Gibbard would have been pissed at me (-100000). And M. Ward, too. Fuckin' M. Ward.