So, Saturday night was a momentous occasion, three out of four Sinema writers went to see New Moon. Now, having read all of the books, loved them, read them again and realised they were poorly-written and advocated every archaic literary stereotype of obsessive love and damsels in distress, I didn’t hold out much hope. New Moon is also the poorest of the four books, Bella, the heroine (a term I use very loosely) spends most of the time moping about like a wet lettuce over her disappearing vampire before going slightly mad and throwing herself off cliffs and motorbikes to conjure up an image of him in her head. So why, you might ask, did I spend £6something on going to see this film? The answer is very simple—abs.
Yes, abs. The beautifully structured, bronzed stomach muscles of Taylor Launter, our resident werewolf. Jacob Black and his wolfy friends spent about 2/3’s of their screen time completely topless and man, it’s a beautiful sight. In fact it such a beautiful sight that there was a collective intake of breath from all females (and perhaps some males) in the theatre. It makes me pose the question—how could anyone ever prefer Robert Pattinson, who pales in comparison? In fact our resident editor Miss Sinema even described him as “pathetic and anaemic with weird nipples” and I can’t help but agree. Taylor Swift, Taylors boyfriend (no, its too easy!) is a very, very lucky woman that’s for sure.
But it wasn’t just Jacob Blacks body that interested me; here we finally find character with some substance! Thank god! You have Bella, the woman who only really exists for Edward Cullen, completely dependable on her male counterpart and collapses without him, she’s clumsy and reads interesting books and is hopelessly in love with Edward and that’s about where her personality ends. What a brilliant image to give to young girls! (Sort of makes me feel a little less guilty for objectifying the werewolves all the way through that movie.) And then you have Edward, the perfect man… apparently. Edward leaves Bella, alone, in the middle of the woods when its getting dark… wow he’s an absolute star! But really, how many 17 year old boys have you met like him? That’s because there aren’t any! Men will screw you over, they will try get into your pants and they aren’t supersonically gorgeous, it’s a fact of life. Out here are an army of teeny boppers all expecting their own Cullen to walk through the door. As for Jacob he is actually a person and, god forbid, he actually smiles. He has his flaws and its endearing, he’s fun and happy. Maybe it’s just me, but I prefer that over dark and brooding any day. So for some reason, like every man in the book, his heart belongs to the socially awkward Bella, but we’ll let him off for that, it’s refreshing to see someone with a personality! And what else is New Moon teaching us… kill yourself for the one you love! A great lesson!
Over all, New Moon was awful, but then I didn’t expect anymore. If you’re looking for sex appeal or just a laugh this could be the movie for you. Bella and Edward prancing through the woods, obscene kissing noises, watching Kristen Stewart fly across a room like her MTV movie award—great stuff. Me and Eileen had a great time retching at Edward’s soppiness and finding innuendo’s everywhere.
[In The Scene When Edward Leaves Bella]
Bella: I’m coming!
Me to Eileen: I bet you are.
And is it just me or does Edwards sparkles just look like he has a really bad perspiration problem?
MP3: Grizzly Bear- Slow Life (New Moon Soundtrack)