5 Presents To Lose Your Partner - Part I

Who said romance is dead? It's clearly not, Valentines day shows that. Everywhere you look are red roses and chocolates in heart-shaped boxes and teddies declaring undying love. And yes, that's great. But what if you don't want all that? What if you don't even want your partner? Here's 5 fail-safe ways of getting dumped before you can say "chubby baby with a sharp pointy weapon!" Here's part I, the female addition.

1. OhMiBod Music Powered Vibrator.

With the tagline "Love your music? Its time to love it back?" its hard to take this product seriously. It makes my little ipod seem dirty! And honestly, there is probably nothing more unattractive then being brought a vibrator by your partner its basically saying "I can't pleasure you, so here help yourself!" Not that I know this from experience, of course. However, imagine if you could listen to 'The Saturdays' or rock out to 'Guns 'N Roses' at the same time, she'dwill be out the door before you can "Karen O(rgasm)"

2. Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution

Not only will this get you dumped it might also get you a black eye, so beware. Everyone knows that you never mention a girls weight, ever. This only equals crazy mirror checks and incessant "does my bum look big in this?" questions. But if you want to loose your girlfriend then buy her this book. Mean, but fail safe.

3. Body Mint Deodorant Tablets

Nothing says "I love you" like deodorant tablets. No, actually nothing says "you smell" like deodorant tablets. Yes, these little babies pride themselves on being the first all natural, all body deodorant tablet, however it doesn't mention how giving these as a gift, especially on 14th February can result in break ups and the container being thrown at your head... however, for the purposes of this list, that's a good thing!

4. Dyson DC14 All-Floors Cyclone Upright Vacuum Cleaner

Now, don't get me wrong, some ladies worship the god of Dyson. Honestly, they are like the Shangri-La for hoovers, it takes me about 5 seconds to hoover my room... when i can be bothered, of course. But for valentines day, perhaps not. Its basically like saying "OI, BITCH, CLEAN MY HOUSE YEAH?" and this would definitely end badly, this very thing happened to my auntie, but it was for Christmas, world war three. This would be very effective, especially if your girlfriend reads feminist literature... however, if she's a twilight reader choose another option.

5. How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children by Lewis B Frumkes

Only buy if your girlfriend;
a. doesn't know how to read or has never picked up a book in her life
b. doesn't have a sense of humor.
This way they will think that you think they're stupid and that your a cannibal. These are two qualities not many woman find attractive in a man, unless you happen to be Brad Pitt and then fuck it, eat as many infants as you want!